The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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