if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
