You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
