I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
