you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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