Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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