Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
