Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Pants are for mortals
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
