I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
