Banned from zoo.
Again?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
