I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
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