I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
