If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
