Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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