I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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