well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
