My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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