...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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