dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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