A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
