You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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