he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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