Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
