Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
