I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
