On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
