At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents