I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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