Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
