My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think I won the penis lottery.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
