be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
