I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
