guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize