the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
