Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
