I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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