May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
