if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
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giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
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You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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