i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
