lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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