Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
