Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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