Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
