come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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