people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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