i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
