wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
