We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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