I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
