Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
The uberlube is also flammable
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
