why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
