We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
