Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
