do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
