If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
