with your own penis?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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